![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
well...
Oct. 2nd, 2007 | 01:18 am
mood: 
depressed
music: linkin park- a place for my head
you know these last few month have been hard for me.
My life has been totally rearanged and yeah. It really hasn't been too bad but hard. i mean i moved in with my closest friend and guess what...what everyone has said about moving in with your friend being a bad idea were right. i guess i thought it would be different since i thought we were so damn close. but i guess i was wrong and everyone else was right. cause now he is moving out of the apartment and i again ahve to move with what lil i do have.
To make things worse. i have my sisster living with me now. My mom had dicided to up and leave and go do some training in Seattle. she is training to open a recovery home in vancouver. but now me and my other family have to take care of each other.
I guess in a way it is a good thing cause we get to learn how to take care of ourselves and be independant from our mother. granted there are two of us the two new additions that do know how to be independant for the most part but there are three of us that are still learning. I on the other hand am still learning to be mom...still learning to respond to the many help request that come from younger ones of the family. I mean i don't know as much as my mom did. but i do know some of the stuff. like the stuff between my sister who is living with me and another woman that is in my church they are having issues and id idn't know how to tell my sis that she had to go and talk it through with the other woman and not really talk to me about it cause i really can change things she would have to do it herself.
now...that is not all for me. i got a new job. i work at quizno's now with who i believed to be another good friend of mine. Now she is being a bitch. no that is the wrong word. a bitch is someone who will not take shit from anyone...i am the bitch :p
no but she is being...an....asshole..yeah thats the word. but anyway. i been addicted to a game lately, only cause it takes me away from all that troubles me for a few hours. now i get so into the game i lose all track of time till she comes into the house and say "OFF!" now i would be busy with people doing stuff with them..mainly me being the one that keeps them alive so i don't feel right wheni just up and leave them when we are in the middle of this place. anyway the last time i was there was on saturday and she said that she would send me a msg giving me a half hour warning. letting me know that i would have to be off in half an hour. now i didn't get that message at all so i ended up looking at her and nodding when she told me to get off. but i guess she didn't see that cause she said that iw as ignoring her and not listening to her. so she left in a huff and started to text the fuck out of me...after a while i just ignored her messages and finished what i was doing. i am guessing what the major issue is that i ended up being so mad at her that i had forgotten that i had her bird out of his cage hanging out with me by the computer. I ended up leaving him there by himself without even thinking that he was there....he was so damned quiet...he not usually like that but either way when she came back he was on the floor trying to fight off one of the cats that is still a kitten. now she is nto talking to me but she is telling the whole stor about hwo i almost killed her fuckign bird...now.. if she is going to be pulling shit liket hat i can deffinately talk shit about her.anyway. that is the shit with her..
Now on to the best part of all this. Since i am losing my friends for now. i am alone and only have my family. but while i have been addicted to wow i ended up meeting a really nice guy. he started helping me out and generally hanging with me. well one night we were bored and didn't feel like doing anythign so we ended up sitting around talking on wow. getting to know each other more. Well we been talking for a couple weeks now and it has been awesome. he was been one that i really can talk to and that i really can depend on to be there for me even though he is on the other side of the contenent. he lives in maine and i am all the way over here. Now we have developed a thing for eachother...right now it hurts but i am happy either way. He is here for me. he talks to me. he loves me and i love him. now. we met on wow......which is quite strange but either way whatever. but that is the good
hehe
bye
Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend
(no subject)
Feb. 9th, 2007 | 12:25 pm
location: home
mood: lonely
music: Ciara
Ya it is one of those days for me where i just don't want to do anything. i don't even want to go and pick up my check from work.
i don't know what to do today if i want to go out or just stay home like i usually do.
you know what sucks. the computer with WoW is gone now. it is back at my brothers ;-; now i have nothing to do but surf the net and chat to ppl. granted there is not many ppl that i chat to. but now i am gonna be cause i have reason to cause now i have nothing to do. ;-;
anyways i guess it is a good thing cause i can get back to doing what i should be doin which is working. ^_^;
ne no been working that much cause of that stupid game. all i wanted to do was play it. and now that it is gone i will not be able to play it that often.
you know today i just feel lonely. i want to be with someone. well two very specific ppl. i am very torn between them. one of them is a very close friend and he has gotten weird around me cause i guess my true feelins came out when i got really wasted one night. i never let those feelins come out cause he is a friend of mine. a real close friend of mine and i never really wanted to jeprodize our relationship. i guess i will call him tonight. then i will talk to my other friend tonight on msngr.
either way i got to go have a shower and head out the door. i guess i will ttyl
TTFN!! ^_^
Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend
a lot...
Feb. 5th, 2007 | 02:50 am
location: friends house
mood: 
contemplative
music: some french song
well today i got into another argument with my mom. yeah she says that i do dick fuck all and that i need to do more.
i honestly don't want to do more. i don't even want to be there. i have been there for her for so long. i have done what i could for her since i was 15 years old. including being her councelor. i have been for way too long. i have such a hard time saying no to her.i fucking hate it. it makes me feel weak. she really knows how to fucking minipulate me to death. now i just want to get out of the house. but i am scared of that. but i think that i am just going to do it and stay away for good. i really don't want to put up with that shite anymore.
well i am also finally out of my rut. i can put up with other ppls shite again.
i was hyper sensitive the last couple of months to the point were i did not want to be around ppl for fear of getting hurt and puting on the water works and making a fool of my self like i have in the past.
i really kick my self for a lot of things. including hurting my family. i still kick my self to this day about that. and it has been quite a few years since any kind of violence on my part has happened. i went from going all out violent to get my way to become very passive and unable to say no to anyone. letting ppl walk all over me. sometimes i stand up for my self like when it comes to me crying. i won't let anyone hurt me. sept mom. i can never say no to her. no one understands that. i may say no but i always end up doin it anyways cause she pulls a whole guilt trip thing on me. everyone sees it. even my friends. she is the one that can truely hurt me. i fucking hate it..
you know it is weird, here at my friends is one of the few place that i feel safe to express myself. i mean i am sitting here at my friends desk while she is sleeping behind me and i am crying. now that is a rare thing for me. the only other person other then my councellor and meh mom that i cry infront of is justin. and it has been nothing but weird with him. lately anyways.
but at the moment i think that iam going to go and find a place to pass out in this place. i really don't want to sleep on my friends floor cause i know it has not been vacuumed in quite a while. i guess i will ttyl.
i honestly don't want to do more. i don't even want to be there. i have been there for her for so long. i have done what i could for her since i was 15 years old. including being her councelor. i have been for way too long. i have such a hard time saying no to her.i fucking hate it. it makes me feel weak. she really knows how to fucking minipulate me to death. now i just want to get out of the house. but i am scared of that. but i think that i am just going to do it and stay away for good. i really don't want to put up with that shite anymore.
well i am also finally out of my rut. i can put up with other ppls shite again.
i was hyper sensitive the last couple of months to the point were i did not want to be around ppl for fear of getting hurt and puting on the water works and making a fool of my self like i have in the past.
i really kick my self for a lot of things. including hurting my family. i still kick my self to this day about that. and it has been quite a few years since any kind of violence on my part has happened. i went from going all out violent to get my way to become very passive and unable to say no to anyone. letting ppl walk all over me. sometimes i stand up for my self like when it comes to me crying. i won't let anyone hurt me. sept mom. i can never say no to her. no one understands that. i may say no but i always end up doin it anyways cause she pulls a whole guilt trip thing on me. everyone sees it. even my friends. she is the one that can truely hurt me. i fucking hate it..
you know it is weird, here at my friends is one of the few place that i feel safe to express myself. i mean i am sitting here at my friends desk while she is sleeping behind me and i am crying. now that is a rare thing for me. the only other person other then my councellor and meh mom that i cry infront of is justin. and it has been nothing but weird with him. lately anyways.
but at the moment i think that iam going to go and find a place to pass out in this place. i really don't want to sleep on my friends floor cause i know it has not been vacuumed in quite a while. i guess i will ttyl.
Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend
pain
Dec. 19th, 2006 | 12:08 am
music: michiyuki-loveless ost
well...i ended up arguing with my mom today about not a whole lot.
it started out me just asking for lil think and regular day ole stuff like tampons cause i know i am going to be coming on to my period soon and i hate to not have them when i need them. then i asked if i can have a small bag of chips that costed .99 and i did not think that was a big deal then she gave me a look then i just didn't get it. then finally i told her that we need shampoo and she assumed that i was saying that i need my shampoo. but that was not the case. we really do need shampoo in this house their shampoo is low and i know i am low but i can make that last till the end of the week, when i get paid. she got mad at me for supposedly asking for my shampoo and then i just told her that the only thing that she needed to do was say no and that she did not want to talk about and i told he that and then left it at that. i did not say another word after that and she got mad said fuck this and stomped off. i don't know where the fuck she had went to but either way i stayed there and i waited for her to come back cause i knew that she would. we then sat there and talked somemore. then she said that i was basing her love for me on what she buys me. and that was not the case. she had said that she loved me and that she always will. now every time someone says that to me now a day it makes me cry. that is how she came to believe that i base her love for me on what she buys me. but at this moment and time in my life i don't feel loved at all. not by one single person.
i mean i am flattered that a girl that a friend of mine is interested in had asked if i would be ok with her being friends with my friend. but ya know. it don't change anything. i still feel very unloved.
I don't spend much time with my mom anymore cause it just seems lately anytime that we are together we always get into some sort of fight for some dumn reason that i really don't understand. there for i don't really want to be around.
it feels like my sister hates me as well cause every time i aske her to do something she pulls some sort of shit and gets mad and does not talk to me fore two days. she gets mad at me fore no real apparent reason. i must do something that really pisses her off or something i don't know. but either way there is not love from her.
i hardly talk to my brother. he is so distant from me and my sisters i don't really know what is going through his head. he is also so passive that it is hard to tell when he wants something. he just lets stuff happen and doesn't say nething about it.
my other sister she is only over here every other weekend and we hardly talk. i don't even know if she is over the stuff that i put her through.
my dad. i really don't even want to go there. well i guess in a way i do. i highly doubt that he REALLY cares for me cause he is hardly around he doesn't call me and he is more worried about his wife then he is worried about he. i mean i was struggling at one point and asked him for some cash to get me by and he did not call. so i left him at that and i am not goign to call him for a while cause what he has done hurt.
now I am seeing my therapist and yeah she is talking about talking to my abuser and that is scaring the shit out of me. i don't know what to do or say about that. all i know is that is scares the shit out of me just thinking about it. I know i told her that it makes me nervous and it does. but deeep deep down it scares the living fuck out of me and i really just want to run away.
what sucks about being in this much pain is that every LITTLE thing hurts. not just a lil bit it really hurts. i mean when my friend had pulled a week ago really hurt me cause she had completely pulled away from me that night and i had a break down that night. now it just pisses me off when she brings it up. especially when she bring it up in mixed company. "you did this and you did that" fuck that shit you are the one that fucking pulled away from you are the one that desided to pull from me when i had your jacket you are the one that had hurt me that night you are the one that did this to me. you are then one that caused me to pull away from you even more. you are the one the broke my trust yet again. you are the one that pissed off my closest friend. you are the one that really hurt me.
yeah there is alot of emotions in me. alot of hurt and anger.
all that is not for one person it is general.
either way i am a wreck and it hurts. i don't really want to be in reality. i am not saying that i want to die i am saying that i want to just drift into a sort of sleep and not wake up. i want to be in that dream world that i lived in so long ago...and just remain there till everything goes away...but the thing is if i am there then it will not go away and i will remain there....i just want this to go away so i am not even going to go there.
well i just agreed to become the maid at my own house as well. my mother has started to work full time. at her other work 4 days a week was considered full time cause of the high stress and all that crap. now she is in another job and 5 days a week is full time and she is having a hard time adjusting to the stress and she is lashing out on me...but i am lashing at her as well so it don't help...either way she can not handle taking care of the house and taking care of work and all us kids all. so now i have to take care of the house. like cleaning making sure that it all works and all that crap. pretty much i deal with whatever else mom can not deal with.
well my head is starting to hurt so i am going to go and play some with a friend that i have not seen online since last week when i was last online. ttyl
it started out me just asking for lil think and regular day ole stuff like tampons cause i know i am going to be coming on to my period soon and i hate to not have them when i need them. then i asked if i can have a small bag of chips that costed .99 and i did not think that was a big deal then she gave me a look then i just didn't get it. then finally i told her that we need shampoo and she assumed that i was saying that i need my shampoo. but that was not the case. we really do need shampoo in this house their shampoo is low and i know i am low but i can make that last till the end of the week, when i get paid. she got mad at me for supposedly asking for my shampoo and then i just told her that the only thing that she needed to do was say no and that she did not want to talk about and i told he that and then left it at that. i did not say another word after that and she got mad said fuck this and stomped off. i don't know where the fuck she had went to but either way i stayed there and i waited for her to come back cause i knew that she would. we then sat there and talked somemore. then she said that i was basing her love for me on what she buys me. and that was not the case. she had said that she loved me and that she always will. now every time someone says that to me now a day it makes me cry. that is how she came to believe that i base her love for me on what she buys me. but at this moment and time in my life i don't feel loved at all. not by one single person.
i mean i am flattered that a girl that a friend of mine is interested in had asked if i would be ok with her being friends with my friend. but ya know. it don't change anything. i still feel very unloved.
I don't spend much time with my mom anymore cause it just seems lately anytime that we are together we always get into some sort of fight for some dumn reason that i really don't understand. there for i don't really want to be around.
it feels like my sister hates me as well cause every time i aske her to do something she pulls some sort of shit and gets mad and does not talk to me fore two days. she gets mad at me fore no real apparent reason. i must do something that really pisses her off or something i don't know. but either way there is not love from her.
i hardly talk to my brother. he is so distant from me and my sisters i don't really know what is going through his head. he is also so passive that it is hard to tell when he wants something. he just lets stuff happen and doesn't say nething about it.
my other sister she is only over here every other weekend and we hardly talk. i don't even know if she is over the stuff that i put her through.
my dad. i really don't even want to go there. well i guess in a way i do. i highly doubt that he REALLY cares for me cause he is hardly around he doesn't call me and he is more worried about his wife then he is worried about he. i mean i was struggling at one point and asked him for some cash to get me by and he did not call. so i left him at that and i am not goign to call him for a while cause what he has done hurt.
now I am seeing my therapist and yeah she is talking about talking to my abuser and that is scaring the shit out of me. i don't know what to do or say about that. all i know is that is scares the shit out of me just thinking about it. I know i told her that it makes me nervous and it does. but deeep deep down it scares the living fuck out of me and i really just want to run away.
what sucks about being in this much pain is that every LITTLE thing hurts. not just a lil bit it really hurts. i mean when my friend had pulled a week ago really hurt me cause she had completely pulled away from me that night and i had a break down that night. now it just pisses me off when she brings it up. especially when she bring it up in mixed company. "you did this and you did that" fuck that shit you are the one that fucking pulled away from you are the one that desided to pull from me when i had your jacket you are the one that had hurt me that night you are the one that did this to me. you are then one that caused me to pull away from you even more. you are the one the broke my trust yet again. you are the one that pissed off my closest friend. you are the one that really hurt me.
yeah there is alot of emotions in me. alot of hurt and anger.
all that is not for one person it is general.
either way i am a wreck and it hurts. i don't really want to be in reality. i am not saying that i want to die i am saying that i want to just drift into a sort of sleep and not wake up. i want to be in that dream world that i lived in so long ago...and just remain there till everything goes away...but the thing is if i am there then it will not go away and i will remain there....i just want this to go away so i am not even going to go there.
well i just agreed to become the maid at my own house as well. my mother has started to work full time. at her other work 4 days a week was considered full time cause of the high stress and all that crap. now she is in another job and 5 days a week is full time and she is having a hard time adjusting to the stress and she is lashing out on me...but i am lashing at her as well so it don't help...either way she can not handle taking care of the house and taking care of work and all us kids all. so now i have to take care of the house. like cleaning making sure that it all works and all that crap. pretty much i deal with whatever else mom can not deal with.
well my head is starting to hurt so i am going to go and play some with a friend that i have not seen online since last week when i was last online. ttyl
Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend
(no subject)
Nov. 21st, 2006 | 07:38 pm
mood: drained
music: linking park- a place for my head
well another day at work. it was not bad. I had manage to put my feelings aside for a while and work efficiantly and got it done and made it through the day.
I am doing better then last night. my head hurts and I had decided to perform tomorrow as Sean. I have found a song to do i just have to learn the song now. I am acutally listening to it now. I like it.
I have a head ache right now so i am going to just go lay down and wait for my friend to call.
I am doing better then last night. my head hurts and I had decided to perform tomorrow as Sean. I have found a song to do i just have to learn the song now. I am acutally listening to it now. I like it.
I have a head ache right now so i am going to just go lay down and wait for my friend to call.
Link | Leave a comment {1} | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend
have not felt like this in a long time...
Nov. 20th, 2006 | 07:38 pm
mood: depressed
music: linkin park- my december
got home an hour ago...sat on at the computer with nothing to do. started watching music videos and it hit me...it hit me like a ton of bricks...I am tired...tired of the stress. tired of pain. tired of being unapreciated. tired of feeling...
i just spent the last half hour just crying. don't get me wrong it feels good to feel but when it all comes out like this it don't feel so good.
I just feel alone right. everyone is either working or busy. i guess this is one of those times that i have to deal with things on my own.
My mom has run away. she is not coming back till friday. i don't know where my friends are.
and all it took for me to break down like this was a song and the fact that i am alone. i think that i just got to stop listening to linkin park. i mean i like them but it is not making me feel any better.
i am physicly emotionaly spiritually exausted.
i found out recently that i am not remotely important to my dad.
my aunt is sick.
my great aunt is sick.
apperently i am neglecting my family.
my sister is mad at me for some reason and she still won't talk to me about it.
i miss the time that me and my mom used to spend with each other
i get treated like shite at work, they talk to me like i am and idiot, like i don't know what i am doing.
and altimately i feel unloved. mainly by the person that i want the most and i can not have. well maybe two.
i deeply want a child.
i just spent the last half hour just crying. don't get me wrong it feels good to feel but when it all comes out like this it don't feel so good.
I just feel alone right. everyone is either working or busy. i guess this is one of those times that i have to deal with things on my own.
My mom has run away. she is not coming back till friday. i don't know where my friends are.
and all it took for me to break down like this was a song and the fact that i am alone. i think that i just got to stop listening to linkin park. i mean i like them but it is not making me feel any better.
i am physicly emotionaly spiritually exausted.
i found out recently that i am not remotely important to my dad.
my aunt is sick.
my great aunt is sick.
apperently i am neglecting my family.
my sister is mad at me for some reason and she still won't talk to me about it.
i miss the time that me and my mom used to spend with each other
i get treated like shite at work, they talk to me like i am and idiot, like i don't know what i am doing.
and altimately i feel unloved. mainly by the person that i want the most and i can not have. well maybe two.
i deeply want a child.
Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend
(no subject)
Nov. 17th, 2006 | 11:24 am
well I went to work today the second day. i tried to go the whole day but I am still not feeling well...I tored a ligament or something in my arm a couple of weeks ago and i have not been able to work a full week. my mom is being suprisingly leanant with me as well I told her that I might not be able to make rent cause I have to buy my bus pass and yeah i have not worked enought this month to pay the full thing. so she said that is alright cause she has made enough this month plus i have already paid i think is was 150 of it.
right now I am sitting at my dad's work and waiting for him cause he has to finish and he wants to spend some time with me and I want to spend some time with him. this is about the only time that I really get to see him now is when I come out her...but you know what I have excepted it for the most part. he is not really ever going to grow up and be a dad. so I am just going to have to come and see him here and spend what time I can get out of him.
I hurt...and I just realized that I really never have a whole lot to say but complain about how horible my days are. I guess it is cause I don't really rant and rave a whole lot to other people anymore...I am mostly their listening post and this is my chance to talk about what I want to even if it is necative...
anyways back to my story...
I hurt cause I was trying to run for the bus to get here after work and I ended up tripping and a clump of dirt and I fell...I fell on my face...so that hurts so does my back and my knees.
oh oh I went to bingo last night and it was cool. my mom grandma and i won last night...teehee...now I am going to go to metro tonight before i go and visit with justin and get some manga. YAYNESS!!
last weekend i was hanging out with angeline. it was cool cause we just hung out played ddr and went swimming and i got to read her yaoi manga/novel stuff. it was really cool in three days I read two novels and a manga.
any ways I am going to go and read some finish my book then head out with dad.
buh bye
right now I am sitting at my dad's work and waiting for him cause he has to finish and he wants to spend some time with me and I want to spend some time with him. this is about the only time that I really get to see him now is when I come out her...but you know what I have excepted it for the most part. he is not really ever going to grow up and be a dad. so I am just going to have to come and see him here and spend what time I can get out of him.
I hurt...and I just realized that I really never have a whole lot to say but complain about how horible my days are. I guess it is cause I don't really rant and rave a whole lot to other people anymore...I am mostly their listening post and this is my chance to talk about what I want to even if it is necative...
anyways back to my story...
I hurt cause I was trying to run for the bus to get here after work and I ended up tripping and a clump of dirt and I fell...I fell on my face...so that hurts so does my back and my knees.
oh oh I went to bingo last night and it was cool. my mom grandma and i won last night...teehee...now I am going to go to metro tonight before i go and visit with justin and get some manga. YAYNESS!!
last weekend i was hanging out with angeline. it was cool cause we just hung out played ddr and went swimming and i got to read her yaoi manga/novel stuff. it was really cool in three days I read two novels and a manga.
any ways I am going to go and read some finish my book then head out with dad.
buh bye
Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend
sick...yay
Nov. 9th, 2006 | 07:35 pm
location: home on my comp ^_^
mood: 
sick
music: hockey game
well I did not go to work today cause i am just no feeling well. i think that i might have the flu. my mom seems to think that it is a sugar hang over but that was yesterday. that does not explain the weakness and all the pain. i know some of it is cause i slept pretty much all day. I slept on and off from 11 last night to 3 this afternoon and after dinner i am going to sleep somemore. I don't know i should go see a doctor. well i am going to go and watch the hockey game. I hear that it is 1 nothing ducks.
Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend
my weekend
Oct. 2nd, 2006 | 12:15 pm
mood: drained
music: bear nessesities
well it really was a really good weekend.
Thursday I there was the intown show which is to kick off this corination weekend. which means the people that are from surrey purform and yeah it was absolutly awsome. the youth from youth aliancwe performed for the emperor and emporess that just steped down this saturday night. I performed and thursday and I think that it was pretty awsome even though the original plan did not work out the way that I wanted it to. but either way it was fun. and I did not drink that night. friday on the other hand.
anyways friday was the out of town show. I was not really there for most of it I was up in one of the hotel rooms drinking with Justin. by the time we went up to hospitality i was pretty drunk. that was about 1 in the morning. then when it closed at 3:30 I was pretty drunk. my king had to drag me to the place that I was staying at that night. it was kinda funny. but saturday morning i had to be up at nine and be at the hotel by ten to do practicing for that night and yeah I was sicker then a dog with a hang over. but that is was I get for drinking so much. well I came home at like one saturday and went back to sleep for two hours befor I got ready for the ball.
yeah just as I was getting ready for the ball Josh comes walking in the door. I am just fixing my hair and he is all over me. I really didn't pay attention to him during that time cause I was busy trying to get ready get my hair done and I think that bothered him. but he finally desided to come to the ball with me and that was awsome. I only had one drink that night and I wanted to drink at hospitality but by the time they had got it set up I had found out that my friend Justin had lost the key to our room. so i had to leave to catch the two o clock bus. with josh i might add.
but anyways we went home had some fun of out own then I just rolled over and went to sleep cause I had another early morning.
I got up sunday at about 9:30 and I had to be at the hotel at 10:30. so i got up rushed around and made my way over to the hotel at almost ten. I made it to the hotel at just after ten and the doors were SUPPOSED to open at 10:30 but the doors didn't open til 11 and didn't start for another half hour but the food was good.
over all i had a good weekend.
Thursday I there was the intown show which is to kick off this corination weekend. which means the people that are from surrey purform and yeah it was absolutly awsome. the youth from youth aliancwe performed for the emperor and emporess that just steped down this saturday night. I performed and thursday and I think that it was pretty awsome even though the original plan did not work out the way that I wanted it to. but either way it was fun. and I did not drink that night. friday on the other hand.
anyways friday was the out of town show. I was not really there for most of it I was up in one of the hotel rooms drinking with Justin. by the time we went up to hospitality i was pretty drunk. that was about 1 in the morning. then when it closed at 3:30 I was pretty drunk. my king had to drag me to the place that I was staying at that night. it was kinda funny. but saturday morning i had to be up at nine and be at the hotel by ten to do practicing for that night and yeah I was sicker then a dog with a hang over. but that is was I get for drinking so much. well I came home at like one saturday and went back to sleep for two hours befor I got ready for the ball.
yeah just as I was getting ready for the ball Josh comes walking in the door. I am just fixing my hair and he is all over me. I really didn't pay attention to him during that time cause I was busy trying to get ready get my hair done and I think that bothered him. but he finally desided to come to the ball with me and that was awsome. I only had one drink that night and I wanted to drink at hospitality but by the time they had got it set up I had found out that my friend Justin had lost the key to our room. so i had to leave to catch the two o clock bus. with josh i might add.
but anyways we went home had some fun of out own then I just rolled over and went to sleep cause I had another early morning.
I got up sunday at about 9:30 and I had to be at the hotel at 10:30. so i got up rushed around and made my way over to the hotel at almost ten. I made it to the hotel at just after ten and the doors were SUPPOSED to open at 10:30 but the doors didn't open til 11 and didn't start for another half hour but the food was good.
over all i had a good weekend.
Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend
*sighs*
Sep. 26th, 2006 | 06:00 pm
mood: 
pissed off
music: pink- stupid girls
heh. i been workin all week again this week. I really want to go to the ball next weekend and yeah I can't get the tickets yet I think that I am going to just buy my tickets on the day I am just going to have to save up the money till then.
any way the week was prety good I have been working at a juice place and now working at a seafood place in vancouver.
But this past weekend I had realized that I really should go and get a pregnency test. I had a really weird dream and I need to make sure. I mean I really do want a child but I don't know if I want to have one with him.
*sighs heavily* I don't know what to do with one of my friends. she is driving me up the wall with all this shit that she does when she falls into a depression. She does pushed everyone away and now she is deep into one of those phases. I really dont know what to do with her. she sent a fucked up email to another friend and i just want to call her up and aske her what the fuck is up with her.
I really just want to go over there and kick her in the ass and tell her to get off her fucking pitty pot and get off her ass and get to the drop in. the only thing that she really needs is people to hang out with and the drop in is a place that alot of people like to hang out with her and she dont understand that. there really is alot of people that really like her. that really care about her...I mean she is like a fucking sister to me and I don't want to be the one that get pushed around the ways she does to me.....
it fucking hurts...
we have been friends for years and for her to treat me this way every time she get fucking dumped is just fucked....
I want to kick her ass right now...
this stuff is just driving me mad...
any way the week was prety good I have been working at a juice place and now working at a seafood place in vancouver.
But this past weekend I had realized that I really should go and get a pregnency test. I had a really weird dream and I need to make sure. I mean I really do want a child but I don't know if I want to have one with him.
*sighs heavily* I don't know what to do with one of my friends. she is driving me up the wall with all this shit that she does when she falls into a depression. She does pushed everyone away and now she is deep into one of those phases. I really dont know what to do with her. she sent a fucked up email to another friend and i just want to call her up and aske her what the fuck is up with her.
I really just want to go over there and kick her in the ass and tell her to get off her fucking pitty pot and get off her ass and get to the drop in. the only thing that she really needs is people to hang out with and the drop in is a place that alot of people like to hang out with her and she dont understand that. there really is alot of people that really like her. that really care about her...I mean she is like a fucking sister to me and I don't want to be the one that get pushed around the ways she does to me.....
it fucking hurts...
we have been friends for years and for her to treat me this way every time she get fucking dumped is just fucked....
I want to kick her ass right now...
this stuff is just driving me mad...
Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend
...
Sep. 15th, 2006 | 06:03 pm
mood: bored
music: james blunt beautiful (something I can't remember)
there is nothing much to update about other then I have been working my butt off trying to get money together to go to the corination ball at the end of this month. I need to purchase two tickets and I want to be able to drink that night...well all weekend long. yeah I have been getting my self ready for this. I am not a light weight anymore. anyways I am really looking forward to coranationg weekend.
Went to Campbell River this past weekend for treaty meetings It was very informational. I had learned alot about out lands. and all that fun stuff. I also discovered that I would really like to get into film. so I am planning on going back to school in january and I hope to get into I think it is SFU where they have a really awsome program that I would like to check out that is for indigenous people.
as for the relationships in my life I don't know what to do with Josh. I care for I almost love him...well I still love him just not as i did when we were dating. anyway he is such an insensitive prick at times. sometimes I get so mad at him that I just want to kick his ass so hard that he would never be able to sit for weeks. but then he would never talk to me again and that would mean that I would not be able to have any fun with him what so ever and he would not take me out. I don't know I think I am just going to let be what it is for now.
I really should give Daniel a call. the last time I talk to him he was totally hitting on me my whole family saw it and it was kinda embarrassing. but yeah I should give him a call.
anyways I am going to check email and all that dumb boring stuff and wait and see if anyone will come online and talk to me cause I am really bored.
Went to Campbell River this past weekend for treaty meetings It was very informational. I had learned alot about out lands. and all that fun stuff. I also discovered that I would really like to get into film. so I am planning on going back to school in january and I hope to get into I think it is SFU where they have a really awsome program that I would like to check out that is for indigenous people.
as for the relationships in my life I don't know what to do with Josh. I care for I almost love him...well I still love him just not as i did when we were dating. anyway he is such an insensitive prick at times. sometimes I get so mad at him that I just want to kick his ass so hard that he would never be able to sit for weeks. but then he would never talk to me again and that would mean that I would not be able to have any fun with him what so ever and he would not take me out. I don't know I think I am just going to let be what it is for now.
I really should give Daniel a call. the last time I talk to him he was totally hitting on me my whole family saw it and it was kinda embarrassing. but yeah I should give him a call.
anyways I am going to check email and all that dumb boring stuff and wait and see if anyone will come online and talk to me cause I am really bored.
Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend
...
Sep. 1st, 2006 | 03:54 pm
mood: moody
you know there is not much happening in my life these days.
I am working cause I want to go to campbell river next week. I only have two hundred dollars and I was shooting for three but I missed work today so I do have what I want. but either way I am still going.
My poor mom only has like 80 dollars to go up there with so I am going to be buying her stuff I guess. but I have no problem with that she has helped me alot in my life the least I can do is buy her stuff.
I started the Evra patch today and yeah where I stuck it is really itchy and it is driving me nuts. I was told that it would be like that for the first week OR day I can't remember but I hope it does well cause I really don't want a child right now...well I do...but now with HIM. or do I. I don't really know what I want right now but either way i am not going to get pregos at my age and not were I am in life.
OH Sakasa where the Flock are ya I have not heard from you and your account is deleted...email me or something cause I don't have it...
anyways i am going to go home and clean my older brothers new place so I will talk to ya's laters.
I am working cause I want to go to campbell river next week. I only have two hundred dollars and I was shooting for three but I missed work today so I do have what I want. but either way I am still going.
My poor mom only has like 80 dollars to go up there with so I am going to be buying her stuff I guess. but I have no problem with that she has helped me alot in my life the least I can do is buy her stuff.
I started the Evra patch today and yeah where I stuck it is really itchy and it is driving me nuts. I was told that it would be like that for the first week OR day I can't remember but I hope it does well cause I really don't want a child right now...well I do...but now with HIM. or do I. I don't really know what I want right now but either way i am not going to get pregos at my age and not were I am in life.
OH Sakasa where the Flock are ya I have not heard from you and your account is deleted...email me or something cause I don't have it...
anyways i am going to go home and clean my older brothers new place so I will talk to ya's laters.
Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend
well it works out.
Aug. 23rd, 2006 | 07:32 pm
mood: 
dirty
music: the annoying talks of youth...
well...everything worked out and it worked out well cause I managed to get my rent paid within a week and I managed to get food money too..Now I am working four days a week and doing over time too.
anyways I found out that I have been volunteered to go to campbell river for my bands treaty stuff... I think that it is the first week of september but I can't remember...I also found out that my crush is going to be up there when I am up there...heh. she wants to party with heh...I don't know I like but I don't know...*sighs* anyways I am going to get back to hangin with my friends with what energy i have left after a hard days work. so yeah buh bye
anyways I found out that I have been volunteered to go to campbell river for my bands treaty stuff... I think that it is the first week of september but I can't remember...I also found out that my crush is going to be up there when I am up there...heh. she wants to party with heh...I don't know I like but I don't know...*sighs* anyways I am going to get back to hangin with my friends with what energy i have left after a hard days work. so yeah buh bye
Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend
the week...
Jul. 29th, 2006 | 09:23 am
yeah well it is saterday and yeah it is near the end of the month and I FUCKED up royally this month...*sighs and drops heand on friends desk.*
I had enough money for the rent this month but I fucked up and over spent all my money on nothin in particular. i know there is my teeth that I had to pay for but I DID have my rent.
*sighs again* so yeah my mom is going to cover my ass yet again...and I feel like shit for doing that to her again.
YOu know what is so fucking dumb as well this is three other people in out house that I KNOW is more then capable to cover even just a portion of the rent...they have been staying with us for a month now some only a couple of weeks but either way they can pay it...but they only have to bet a bit of food in order to stay with us...
*sighs* this really bugs me. the rent and most of the food is left to me and my mom and they only have to get a lil bit of food to stay with us...
well anyways I have to work my ass off to pay off the rent and get food money and I need the money by next friday. not only that I owe josh money and my mom and this is just driving me crazy....
I had enough money for the rent this month but I fucked up and over spent all my money on nothin in particular. i know there is my teeth that I had to pay for but I DID have my rent.
*sighs again* so yeah my mom is going to cover my ass yet again...and I feel like shit for doing that to her again.
YOu know what is so fucking dumb as well this is three other people in out house that I KNOW is more then capable to cover even just a portion of the rent...they have been staying with us for a month now some only a couple of weeks but either way they can pay it...but they only have to bet a bit of food in order to stay with us...
*sighs* this really bugs me. the rent and most of the food is left to me and my mom and they only have to get a lil bit of food to stay with us...
well anyways I have to work my ass off to pay off the rent and get food money and I need the money by next friday. not only that I owe josh money and my mom and this is just driving me crazy....
Link | Leave a comment {4} | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend
Oh the pain!! >
Jul. 19th, 2006 | 12:16 pm
mood: 
high
music: jessica simpson - irristable
well I went through my surgery yesterday to get all three of my wisdom teeth takend out and I am in a lot of pain. not at the moment cause I just took two T3s. I maybe in a lil bit of pain but I could not sleep last night I only got like 4 hours sleep and yeah I am tired.
The funny thing i am going with my friend to metro to play some DDR.. ^_^ yayness.
I love playing DDR I remember going to play with Sakasa and yeah. staying out all hours of the night wondering around town. going to metro then walking back to van to pass out then do it again the next night. teehee
I am happy and in pain. weird combo. but either way I am going to try my best to have fun.
what really sucks is that I can not suck on a straw I can only eat soft foods and I have to rinse my mouth with salt water everytime I eat.
last night I had some fun with my ex. lol we fucked on the den couch when his mother was in the other room and dad and my friend were upstair. lol
anyways we are leaving now so... buh bye
btw: I am only high on T3s
The funny thing i am going with my friend to metro to play some DDR.. ^_^ yayness.
I love playing DDR I remember going to play with Sakasa and yeah. staying out all hours of the night wondering around town. going to metro then walking back to van to pass out then do it again the next night. teehee
I am happy and in pain. weird combo. but either way I am going to try my best to have fun.
what really sucks is that I can not suck on a straw I can only eat soft foods and I have to rinse my mouth with salt water everytime I eat.
last night I had some fun with my ex. lol we fucked on the den couch when his mother was in the other room and dad and my friend were upstair. lol
anyways we are leaving now so... buh bye
btw: I am only high on T3s
Link | Leave a comment {4} | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend
the day..
Jul. 15th, 2006 | 05:19 pm
mood: drained
music: godsmack- I stand alone
ok so I got to be queen of hearts...well now I am queen of hearts. I don't really know how to take it..right now I don't understand what it means to be queen of hearts yet. the next court meeting I am going to learn.
*sighs*
today was a long day I just spent the last six hours scrubbing anything that needed it. this kinda sucks cause this is all i do all weekend long unless there is a party going on then that is where I would be.
heh last weekend when I was performing I was drunk after I performed I was fucking drunk. then when I got called up to center stage I just looked like an idiot. anyways it was a good night I just got drunk got elected and past out at home. the next day I didn't want to do anything I was so hung over. My mom tried to get me to get up and clean and I told her that I didn't want to. but then again I had to go to this picnic thing and help and show my face cause I am the new queen thingy. anyways I spent that day smiling laughing and what have you but I just wanted to go home and lay on my bed and watch tv with my bag of chips and a can of pop and try to get over the hang over but yeah.
YOu know what is really shitty I have been trying to get work all week...well for the last two weeks and there has been nothing. all I got is this job. which I only work three may four days out of the week. but there is some good news. I might be getting a part time job on the weekends and i could possibly be getting 14$ an hour which would really help me out alot. I really need to the money if I am going to be getting out of my moms place.
speaking of my moms place it is really packed there. there is like 11 people in the house if everyone is home. oh got my place has turned into a flop house. people that don't have a place to go stay at my place and it is annoying. I had to give up my room. after fighting with my mom for a month trying to get it cause she had asked me to stay after I had given her my noticed.(I was going to move) and now my cousin is staying in there with his gf and their baby. don't get me wrong I love them but I want my room back. I really don't want to go home tonight but I have no where else to go. I want to go drinking but I don't have anyone to drink with. I could just go out by myself and drink but...that doesn't feel right to me. but hey there is nothing I could do about that so I am just going to end up going home and trying to relax cause I am going to have to work agian on monday here.
I really don't know what to say anymore so I am going to go and read and wait for my bus.
Laters
*sighs*
today was a long day I just spent the last six hours scrubbing anything that needed it. this kinda sucks cause this is all i do all weekend long unless there is a party going on then that is where I would be.
heh last weekend when I was performing I was drunk after I performed I was fucking drunk. then when I got called up to center stage I just looked like an idiot. anyways it was a good night I just got drunk got elected and past out at home. the next day I didn't want to do anything I was so hung over. My mom tried to get me to get up and clean and I told her that I didn't want to. but then again I had to go to this picnic thing and help and show my face cause I am the new queen thingy. anyways I spent that day smiling laughing and what have you but I just wanted to go home and lay on my bed and watch tv with my bag of chips and a can of pop and try to get over the hang over but yeah.
YOu know what is really shitty I have been trying to get work all week...well for the last two weeks and there has been nothing. all I got is this job. which I only work three may four days out of the week. but there is some good news. I might be getting a part time job on the weekends and i could possibly be getting 14$ an hour which would really help me out alot. I really need to the money if I am going to be getting out of my moms place.
speaking of my moms place it is really packed there. there is like 11 people in the house if everyone is home. oh got my place has turned into a flop house. people that don't have a place to go stay at my place and it is annoying. I had to give up my room. after fighting with my mom for a month trying to get it cause she had asked me to stay after I had given her my noticed.(I was going to move) and now my cousin is staying in there with his gf and their baby. don't get me wrong I love them but I want my room back. I really don't want to go home tonight but I have no where else to go. I want to go drinking but I don't have anyone to drink with. I could just go out by myself and drink but...that doesn't feel right to me. but hey there is nothing I could do about that so I am just going to end up going home and trying to relax cause I am going to have to work agian on monday here.
I really don't know what to say anymore so I am going to go and read and wait for my bus.
Laters
Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend
blah..
Jul. 5th, 2006 | 11:58 pm
mood: lonely
lately I have been feeling a bit lonely. I have no idea why. i have noticed that I have been sleeping alot. so yeah. I think that I am falling into a depression or something. but either way I am trying to get out of by hanging out with friends more and I think this weekend will help. i am going be performing on saturday trying to get into this thinging that is hard to explain but either way. yeah hopefully this would help me in this shit that I am in.
ya know I miss Corena. Some people think that I really did not love her cause of leaving her under the surcomstances but I really do love her. she was truely my first love and she always wil be. I love her very much and I miss her. I miss the games that we played. there is no one that I can play with anymore. there was "Mandy" and Corena that is it. now I am feeling the need to play but I can't cause there is no one to play with. I miss the closeness that we had. I miss alot of things right now.
anyways I need my sleep so I am goign to go and do that.
ya know I miss Corena. Some people think that I really did not love her cause of leaving her under the surcomstances but I really do love her. she was truely my first love and she always wil be. I love her very much and I miss her. I miss the games that we played. there is no one that I can play with anymore. there was "Mandy" and Corena that is it. now I am feeling the need to play but I can't cause there is no one to play with. I miss the closeness that we had. I miss alot of things right now.
anyways I need my sleep so I am goign to go and do that.
Link | Leave a comment {7} | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend
a good night.
Jun. 18th, 2006 | 01:10 pm
mood: 
content
music: jesse McCartney - Beautiful Soul
last night was actually a good night for once here at my friends. Usually she iggies me when I am here...well at least it has been that way for the last month but last night we hung out enjoyed a drink together and play video games most of the night.
I think that she was mad cause I did not go to bed with her though. I ended up sleeping with my ex Josh last night. Nothing happened. we just cuddled. it felt good. I could never to that with AJ I don't know it is weird for me now. well I guess I can I just never really done it for a long time. but it felt nice to be held. with corena I was the one that always held her. With Justin it is diffent he holds me but I don't get the same kind of comfort that I get with Josh or AJ. but either way it was good.
I am still really tired though. but yeah I got to get up early tomorrow anyways so I can't go back to sleep.
But that is all i can think of right now so I am going to go and do something contructive.
I think that she was mad cause I did not go to bed with her though. I ended up sleeping with my ex Josh last night. Nothing happened. we just cuddled. it felt good. I could never to that with AJ I don't know it is weird for me now. well I guess I can I just never really done it for a long time. but it felt nice to be held. with corena I was the one that always held her. With Justin it is diffent he holds me but I don't get the same kind of comfort that I get with Josh or AJ. but either way it was good.
I am still really tired though. but yeah I got to get up early tomorrow anyways so I can't go back to sleep.
But that is all i can think of right now so I am going to go and do something contructive.
Link | Leave a comment {1} | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend
discovery...it hurts...
Jun. 17th, 2006 | 01:10 am
mood: rejected
I just found out from talking with AJ's "special friend" that I really do care wheather or not she is close to me or not...i just feel rejected cause she doesn't want to hang out with me she doesn't want to be with me. it feels like she doesn't want to be my friend... and it does hurt the fact that if feels like I am not her best friend...no matter how I much i try to get close to her she continues to push me away... what she doesn't realize is that I need someone to be close to me. I know she needs someone to support her and I am willing to do that but I need someone to be my friend other then Justin. and things are just weird with Josh cause I just told him that I loved him still even though I know he is going to be getting married. and right now i need someone to tell me I am loved and let me know that I am worth something. someone to show me the effection that I so long for. it is not often that I want to invite someone into me and be close to in that way...not alot of people realize it.
right now I want a friend that I can have fun with without drinking...Justin is the type of friend that likes to drink and always wants me to drink with him. I always thought of AJ the type of friend that I can be a child with even though I don't always act like it but I do apriciate it alot. she is also that person I like to have fun with even if it is going for a walk to the park or to the store or even just sitting in the back doin something...I don't know but either way I feel like shit...and all I want is someone to be there with me...I don't need help...I just need someone there.
right now I want a friend that I can have fun with without drinking...Justin is the type of friend that likes to drink and always wants me to drink with him. I always thought of AJ the type of friend that I can be a child with even though I don't always act like it but I do apriciate it alot. she is also that person I like to have fun with even if it is going for a walk to the park or to the store or even just sitting in the back doin something...I don't know but either way I feel like shit...and all I want is someone to be there with me...I don't need help...I just need someone there.
Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend
work...what fun
Jun. 16th, 2006 | 03:41 pm
location: a friends working
music: nickleback - silver side up
True love does not come by finding the perfect person, but learning to see the imperfect person perfectly.
*sighs* well...i have been her working the last few days and yeah. I have been working for my best friends mother doin a whole lot of sanding. yeah it seems like I am turning white from all of this. at the moment I am on a break just wanted to update my journal and leave a small quote that i found in my surfing of the net.
what is really funny i am sitting here my friends room I got her bird on my shoulder cause it realy wanted my attention and yeah now he don't want to go back to its cage and yeah so it is sitting on my shoulder...that is till I go back to work which I am going to do now. ttyl
*sighs* well...i have been her working the last few days and yeah. I have been working for my best friends mother doin a whole lot of sanding. yeah it seems like I am turning white from all of this. at the moment I am on a break just wanted to update my journal and leave a small quote that i found in my surfing of the net.
what is really funny i am sitting here my friends room I got her bird on my shoulder cause it realy wanted my attention and yeah now he don't want to go back to its cage and yeah so it is sitting on my shoulder...that is till I go back to work which I am going to do now. ttyl